Monday, January 29, 2007
End of Jan
Have decided to delete previous post. The flow of the story is totally not there at all. Can't think of ways to improve it. Still blank in head. Think i'll stop writing for a while to refresh myself and also to improve my style. Have been writing so much in 1st person a bit sianz. Maybe time to change style again. Wonder if I should colour my writings. So far, have been writing with little description. So far, have been trying to engage rather than lose ppl in words. Well, will stop to read more books then. Hopefully got new inspirations. But V'day I confirm will commend wan, cuz sour grapes.
Solo Sax
Night,
a tranquil slumber silences all.
All quiet but one sound.
A solo Saxophone plays,
A mellow sound through the hollow night.
Lift me up oh song of the night.
Drown me in your melody.
No sorrow should I remember,
No tomorrows do I worry for.
Bring me to neverland
Just as Peter Pan brought Wendy.
Shoot the moon with your thrills.
Paint the skies with your turns.
With your riffs and your tempo,
Vertical and Horizontal,
Spin me by your fingers,
As you caress each key gently.
Gentle breaths to float me by.
Be it bebop or ballads,
Be it funk or jazz.
The solo saxophone plays on,
like a brush on a canvas.
Colours fill the night.
Time Goes By
With Time Life grows,
Waters vaporise and condense to clouds.
Clouds burst forth and showers the Land
A frail sapling receives its nourishment.
With Time it grows to be the greatest of trees.
With Time strength is formed,
A gentle trickle splits a rock,
A slow river cuts its bays to meanders.
A splash of the sea forms a cave.
With time meekness becomes might.
With Time all is destroyed,
Metals rust and lands crumble.
Things grow old and lose their power.
Silver tarnishes and loses its worth.
Time is stronger than all combined.
A tyrant with no mercy at all.
Forcing its subjects to bow before.
Nothing stronger and nothing defies it.
Nothing that is not until me.
Refusing to bow refusing to submit.
Resisting its effect,
I won't face the truth.
But You,
A lifetime of wonder,
A tulip past its bloom.
Withering away from your splendor.
Life quickly fading,
I'll miss you.
ahBoey blogged
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1/29/2007 09:52:00 PM
Friday, January 26, 2007
3rd week and miffed
well ppl sry, no shorts or prose tis time rd. Been on a drought. Brain juiced completely drained. But HEy I finally changed the music. Cuz mr Chew Hew Sheng made multiple complains about the music HAHAHA. Sry Dudu i needa gripe haha.
Actually tis entry is a gripe entry. I was quite disturbed today during my SE1101E lecture, by some comments made by ppl sitting behind me. They stated that they were Christians and during the lecture were making snide remarks about other cultures in Southeast Asia. Stating that they are satanic and such.
Ok, I wouldn't disagree that from a Christian point of view that it is true that they are not worshipping the God who gave his only son for us. But seriously, the damage by that statement is something that is of real concern in our lives.
I am a proud to proclaim that I am a christian, that i have been saved. I want all my friends around me to share this joy I have. But if I go around making statements like this, I won't have any left very soon. I know I am not the ideal image that should be portrayed. I know that I do many things that are wrong, but I thank God each day that he refreshes me and by his grace all are forgiven and that I learn to be more like him each day.
I have been quite judgemental in my words and I seek the forgiveness of those around me that i have hurt.
A question I have always asked myself. What does it mean to be A christian? I have been attending church for more than a decade. But that does not amount to anything. In my life, many of my friends said that Christians are hypocrites, that we say one and do another. THat we live according to a code that is just an image. so many are pushed away instead. Why do we as Christians not show love to our brothers and sisters, but instead live our lives as if we are a Priviledged class. Have we forgotten that It is by grace that we are saved and not by works, so that none may boast. If we have anything to boast, it shall be of this grace and of our God. Will not quote but sumwhere in Romans and Corinthians. I am not really an ideal christian. I have fallen and done many things that I am not proud of. In the army, I cursed and swear, even fight. I stopped going to church for a long time then under an excuse that I am too tired. Church became a chore for me, I failed to see the joy in worship. Today, I am building back my christian life, a little a day. I sincerely hope that my friends around me will see a transformation in me that is not of myself but of Christ in me. That they too will experience Christ in their lives and experience the joy that is within.
I know in the Bible it says that we should not be mixed with sinners lest we fall. However, it also says to show love and care to the "Gentiles". Reach out to them. Christ came for us while we are still sinners, to save us all, first the "Jews" and then the "Gentiles". The spiritually "circumcised" is what we should become. That when anyone is in Christ, he is a new being. Faith, hope and love, the greatest of which is Love. I want people to know that Christianity is about love, not discrimination. That it is by Grace. That the more sin, the more grace(I'm not asking u all to go sin more to experience more grace-- that would be hypocritical)
That We are all the same in Christ. That Christians and none-Christians are all the same. That as Christians, we are blessed to have experience grace and that we should humble ourselves to share the love and grace that has been showered upon us.
Sry if i have sounded a bit critical in this blog. I'm not shooting anyone cuz if so I'd be shooting myself, cuz i'll be judging then.HAHA. Oh I dun really quote verses cuz I can't rembr where they are from.( toldya I'm not ur ideal christian)
Well That's all I have to say today.
Invisible Maniac
ahBoey blogged
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1/26/2007 11:11:00 PM
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
2nd Week of school
This is the 2nd week of school. am quite happy with the mods i get and my tut slots. El seems pretty interesting and frankly psych is starting to bore. Will see my grades this sem to see which to major in cuz personally wanted to do a double but practically i dun tink i can. Gd ting got tis verse. Will cont to pray abt it.
Proverbs 16:9"A man's heart plans his way, but the lord directs his steps."
Everyone around me seems so sianz of school. Dun noe Y but i m still alive. maybe not for long haha.
Was very sianz recently cuz i got a blast from the past. Somethings i tot i had forgotten and let go. But it juz came back suddenly. Maybe cuz i didn't really get any closure. it was juz like getting hit by a truck, after u r hit it speeds off b4 u can see its license plate. Yeah canoeing. Memories still haunt me so. haha. No lar its not the ppl or the incidents that affected me, it was juz how i handled the various situations. Maybe if i had shown my evil side, i would have been happier. Well life is full of maybes, hope i'll let it go. Afterall, my personal philosophy is that the past is only useful to learn from, after which its worthless to hold on to. And SAMUEL must be Samuel, the megalomaniacal egomaniacal psycho who rushes in Head On HAHAHAHHAHAHA.
aniwae, wrote this cuz was sianz. Needed sumting to life me up haha.tis one another one of those 15min compositions hahahaha. Hope i still gt the tempo.XD enjoy
Collecting Thanks
A Strange Hobby I have,
So weird It makes no sense.
Some people collect Stamps
Others collect cans.
I don't know why it is,
But I collect Thanks.
Everyday in the streets,
everyone looks dead beat.
Without a smile on their face,
Without any love in this place.
We all need a little grace,
We all need to be saved.
Upon a Rainy Day,
Share your brolly with a stranger.
Don't wait or you'll be sorry.
Don't think for there's no danger,
just be an angel and that is all
to brighten someone's face.
Walk each day through,
But don't turn a blind eye to
The many who need your help,
The many who need your smile.
A simple gesture would suffice,
And then you'll earn your first thanks.
The glow that you'll receive,
The warmth that comes from within.
With each Thanks you collect,
The more the feeling grows.
You can't stop at one,
The wonders never cease.
ahBoey blogged
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1/16/2007 11:37:00 PM
Monday, January 8, 2007
First Day of School
Today, is the first day of school. I am still fighting hard for 1 more module. Was really sluggish today. Didn't really wanna go. Dun noe Y i so lazy. Also dun noe y I feel like so sianz. Like really drain. The lecturer was quite good and I rather enjoyed the lecture, interesting.
Anyway dun noe y iwrote tis, juz suddenly felt like it. Was in the MRT on way 2 sch when i felt like writing tis. Anyway sch starts will be busy so wun be writing much also.
Rag and Bone
Under the blistering Sun,
In the sweltering Heat,
One man pushes his trolley.
Beep,beep,beep,beep
Beep,beep,beep,beep
his horn he sounded repeatedly,
And then there was a split second of Silence.
All these before a thunderous voice filled the air.
“Karang Guni, Mai Po Chua”
As if in fear of no one hearing him, he repeats that unearthly cry.
After some time, a female voice responded
“Uncle I got some newspaper for you.”
A lady and her daughter stood at their doorway.
That man enters her home
Exiting with a pile of old newspaper.
Like a skilled swordsman he draws his balance in a flash.
“Orh, 2Kilo, 2 dollars.”
“Eeek, Uncle so smelly like rubbish bin”
“Girl, Don't be so rude. Say sorry. Sorry uncle, she knows no better.”
He smiled back at them and said,
“Bu Yong Jing Xiao Hai Zi Bu Dong Shi, girl so cute. Uncle going away. Byebye”
The little girl echoes his goodbye.
He loads the papers unto his trolley,
sheaths his balance and proceeded away.
Again with that unearthly cry,
Again with his sounding horn.
The blistering Sun with no mercy.
He reaches for his pocket.
This time for a hanky.
As he wipes the sweat of his brow,
The zephyr cools him so.
ahBoey blogged
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1/08/2007 06:02:00 PM
Friday, January 5, 2007
Sch Starting Sleepy Sleepy Sleepy
The sch term is starting. Still desperate to adjust my sleep timing. I just lay awake each night on my bed and watch the seconds tick by. Sometimes when i really cant sleep, I will gaze out my window. The view is really picturesque. Really no kidding. From my room I can C woodlands Mrt with causeway pt at the background but the wonder is really in the foreground. The street lamps around woodlands ring by the empty fields divided only by the roads. Such a sight to behold you'll also stand and marvel. okok enough of that. I was bored So did this. Thx and Enjoy.
Sleepless in Singapore
Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock...
I still can't get to sleep.
The seconds fleet away
like the sheeps that pass my way.
It's three already,
the sandman is so late.
Where is Zhou Gong too.
Why are they so tardy.
Sleepy, Sleepy, Sleepy
I am so fatigued.
I seek so much to sleep
and yet sleep avoids me.
Another long day tomorrow,
A long day I had today.
If I can't get rest, I will surely weep.
The memories of the day
They just flood my head.
The worries of tomorrow,
they just won't go away.
The pain of yesterday,
They just keep coming back.
Why am I so bothered,
no wonder I can't sleep.
I gazed out my window,
to cast away my burdens.
The empty streets,
The bedazzling street lights below,
The Tranquil Stars and
The romantic moon.
They sing a lullaby,
I gazed in wonder of their beauty.
Slowly but surely,
Time goes by even more slowly,
My lids grow heavier and heavier
As I marvel at the music of the night,
The melody the sights play,
the soothing rhythm of the night.
Goodnight my Dear Singapore.
May sweet dreams fill you tonight.
ahBoey blogged
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1/05/2007 12:28:00 PM
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
New Year New Year. Still the same but everything's different
Has been quite a while since i last wrote. WARNING: THIS IS A LONG ONE.Well this one I got the idea while having my hair cut. I rembr the ad for Zhang yi mou's( Riding Alone for a Thousand Miles) on scv recently. Also rembr a book i read many moons ago (Losing Absalom) cant rembr author. Also heard many things from many frens abt problems with father and child. I too also have some problems with my old bean. He chided me on Xmas Eve and I cold shoulder him for that day. Juz A trivial matter. Big Misunderstanding.HAHA but everything can be resolved wan. After all, there is tis cheena proverb something about every father and son will have animosity but must learn to resolve their conflicts. Fathers love their children but its just that because of the traditional chinese upbringing, they are not good at expressing themself. I too am a result of this traditional upbringing wan that's y whose who serve with me NS noe how steady and cold and emotionless I can be. But Though not expressed, It doesn't mean they dun love us. Though Love not expressed is love not received, It doesn't mean there was no love. Okay A tribute to Dads. I know should have saved this for father's day but heck lar.
Tears of a Man
The tears of a man has the power to shake the world. With every teardrop he sheds, the worlds changes and cries along with him.
I stood by his coffin and gaze upon his lifeless statue of a body. The cold empty shell that remains when every other part of him has passed. How I regret never expressing my love for him while he was still alive. At least he is in a better place now and his soul is at rest in the bosom of the Lord. We loved this song both of us, both father and child. “Tears in Heaven”, by Eric Clapton. As I placed my mouth on the harmonica and blew it out, a single tear rolled inwards of my cheek along my nose and down my chin. Goodbye.
I have lived many years alone in my private studio apartment, living it large like any swinging bachelor. I have left my family behind and the last time I visited them was a good 5 years ago. Many things have happened that have made it impossible for us to live together under the same roof. Even an occasional visit demands too much from me. I can't even remember the last time I spoke to my dad.I do however do my part as a son and send money home every month. I mean at least I support my folks.
“Hello, ah boy ah. Hey it's ma. I know you are busy,”she sniffled. “But this is of grave importance. Your Dad is hopitalised and the doctors say that he only has 2 months tops. Please come he is still unconscious at SGH. Bye son. Love, Ma” These words were recorded in my answering machine and I heard it only after a hard long night out with friends. Still sloshed, I didn't make much of it til the morning. Even then, I hesitated.
I still remember all the pain this man had brought me. The times we argued, over things as trivial as watching TV. He was always unsatisfied with me and everything I do. All my life I had worked hard to prove myself to him. All my life he was never happy. He was always comparing me with everyone even my elder brother who died in NS. I was never good enough for him. I was always living in the silhouette of my brother. Maybe if I had died in his place, Dad would be much happier then.
I remember that day when I told him I was in love with a nice young lady. I brought her back for dinner only to have her chased away from home as my Dad was in one of his moods. He said she was a player and not serious about me. From then on, I moved away. It has been 7 years since that day and the pain lingers on. I have a good job and thus was able to survive on my own. Now he is sick and wants me to go visit. Ha, I'll go there alright. I'll go there and show him how much I have accomplished.
I went to the hospital a week after the message on my mailbox. After asking the nurse and locating his ward, I saw Ma alone. A frail old lady with tears streaming from her eyes. I know how devastated she was. After all, all this years has not been easy on her. She was the one always trying to keep the family together. The years have not been kind to her, but still she manages to maintain that gentleness that is about her. I still love you ma.
She is still far from a shadow of herself. Still the vivacious winsome charming lady she was, only stricken with sorrow. I reminiscent with her the days when our family was still bonded, the days before my Ah Kor died. Now don't get me wrong, though I always hated being compared with him, he has always been very dear to me. She told me that that man had a serious cardiac arrest and that his heart is failing fast. The doctor says that only a heart transplant would save his life, but its just that due to his blood type and the long donor list, they have to let him go and 2 months is all he has left. In my head I was gloating over his sickness. Happy that after all, I am successful and happy and he is reduced to a ghoul.
After comforting my Ma, she sent me in to see him. There he was, really reduced to a skeleton. His body had a thousand and one electrodes attached to his chest and his arms had tubes hanging from above attached. All I could hear in his ward were beeping sounds that resonated throughout the entire room. “Hey, look at me. See what I have become. I have risen above your expectations. I am better than you. Ha ha ha!” No reply came and all was still. Strangely that didn't quite give me the satisfaction I had hoped. I repeated what I had said. Ma didn't hear a word as she had went to get food. She would surely be devastated and I wouldn't want to hurt her. I just wanted to let this man experience the pain he put me through. Shortly after, I left him.
My mind is still filled with rage. So many years, so many incidences, this man finally got his just deserts. But, something is wrong, I just don't feel as happy. Maybe I just need a couple of drinks and smokes.
After 3 days, I went back to see my ma at the hospital. I couldn't care less for the old man inside. The days seem to be harsher and harsher on my ma and within a short 3 days span she has aged. Still she was able to smile when she sees me. I greeted her and we sat together for a while. As usual, we began talking about the past. She told me of how happy they were the day I was born. She said that that was one of the few times she saw my Dad tearing from his eye. Being a traditional Chinese Man, the one that has to be emotionless, his tears were more rare than shooting stars in Singapore. I hesitate to believe her. She assured me every word is true. Perhaps.
I went in again despite not wanting to. I saw him lying there so lifeless. His life sustained only by those machines. I wanted so much to hate this man but I just can't. How cruel it is to be unable to hate those you want to hate. The agony is just unbearable. Tears stream from my eyes. Why can't I hate you. Then I saw his eyes tearing as he held my newborn self. For a moment, I thought he was truly happy then, but no he has never been happy for me.
The next day, same thing. She told me of the many times i quarreled and fought with him, and how he always cries alone in the bathroom after which. I didn't know that. The icicle figure I had of him began to thaw, but I still refused to believe that. She continued about the times I performed with my harmonica. How he always teared whenever he heard me play “Tears in Heaven”. Enough. I ran away and went home then. How can it be that this same man this same stone figure can have emotions. I refused to believe it. I told my ma I had to go due to an urgent meeting at work.
I didn't visit until a week later. Seeing my ma waste away brings tears to my eyes. I always loved her, and if not for my father, I would never have left her. She was always the one who comforted me whenever father brought me down. This time, she told me of how devastated father was when Ah Kor died, he lost a great part of him. He loves the both of us. She told me that father has always loved me a lot. Father has placed a lot in me. His love for Kor,his dreams for Kor, his expectations for Kor, all these heplaced upon me. That was why he was so hard on me. She continued saying that all these years I was away, he never for a night stopped playing 'Tears in Heaven” on his harmonica. Even on the day of his heart attack, he still tried to play before the paramedics came,After all, it was the song we loved. It was this song he taught me that ignited my love for it.
I went in again to see him. His heart rate is getting worse and worse. Then suddenly, the beep was constant. The doctors and nurses rushed in. They gave him an injection and started shocking him. AH PA, I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am a wastrel. I am a horrible son. Don't die on me. Hear me say I love you. Don't leave me behind.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go. I couldn't just stay and watch my Ah Pa disappear. I told Ma that I am going home to get my harmonica. I want him to hear the song our family loved again. Ma was crying as she heard those words. The doctors were still trying to recover him when I left.
I have not played for so many years. I wonder if I still can. No, I must be able to play for him. This years I stop because of the pain, but now to end all pain, I have to once more play.
I ran across the road when suddenly I heard a constant beep and then no more pain.
Beep, beep, beep. It took a while to get used to the light and my eyes were still cloudy then. I saw her, my faithful darling of my heart. She is smiling, but tears flow from her bright jewels of her face.Though my vision is still weak, I could see that they were not tears of joy, she was in pain. I asked her and got the most heartbreaking response. Those words pried my heart out and tossed it to the dogs.
“Ah boy is dead.(sob) He wanted to play for(sniffle) you. When the doctors(choke) were trying to recover you.(gasp) He rushed to get his (sob)harmonica. A truck hit him(sob). It was instant. They took his heart for you.” No tears came from my eyes. No words I could say in response. I just felt nothing no more.
I went to his wake. A flower I placed upon his chest. As I looked in the coffin, I saw my son. My son died so I may live. All the times we fought, all the times we quarreled. I love him and I knowhe loves me. Son, I love you and always had and will. This second lost hurts more not because the white headed ones have sent the black headed ones again and he was my only son left. I just loved him more. How I wished I had expressed it better the years he was still alive. Words cannot express anything. I took out my harmonica and again I played the song we both love, and she sang along.
Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven
Ok end of story. Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing. Children love your fathers. Often Misunderstood,but still they Love you SO
