I just got baptised today. Hallelujah!! Actually, I've been attending church for the past 13+ years. So this is actually long overdue. God has really been faithful and wonderful to me although I really don't deserve it. I'm not your ideal christian. In fact, I'm quite sad that most people would not recognise me as one until I say so. My frens say that it is because I don't act like most other Christians and not because I am a bad person or something like that. Wellz, anyways just wanted to give my testimony of my baptism as what I said then. God has really been amazing this week. For Minds Camp, and especially IGNITE Camp. Thanks Geraldine for inviting me. Haha I admit when you first invited me I was a bitz taken aback, but it's a real blessing to have a sister-in-Christ like you. The testimony for the camp would not be written here as some people may take offense due to things being really spiritual. But I would tell it to all who want to hear.=)
Wellz, Back to my baptism testimony. I really have not been a good christian. Yes, I have been saved many years ago, but it is not reflected in my life at all. How can it be that my actions do not match what I believe. I have been horrible to people around me, especially to my family. I am quite ashame that I have persecuted my father in his work. He is a man after God's heart and has been serving actively for 12 years. I did not make the effort to understand him and also understand God's purpose, choosing to focus only on myself and comparing my self with others around me. My christian life has been really hypocritical, filled with lies and deception. I put people down in order to glorify myself. In times of triumph, I fail to see God. In times of failure, I also fail to see God. Only choosing to follow my own selfish fleshly desires. I abuse people around me.
Also, I have been lowering my standards. I have compromised on many of my stands in the army. I chose to believe in Lies and created my own lies. I stoppped worshipping God and cease to go to church.
However, God has always been faithful and true. He is always there even when I am not seeking him. Through the toughest days in army, through the many trials and tribulation, he has never left me. He is always there supporting me and calling me back to his heart. Through my army days, I lived a life of difference, I was joyful despite circumstances.
After army, that is when I noticed the difference in my life. God spoke to me to examine My life and my thoughts. There were many ups and downs after that. In NUS, I had many personal struggles. Although I was starting to return to God, I was always discouraged by things happening around and to me. I fail to see God in my life, I choose not to see his wonders and I create my own lies around me. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He has been really successful in hindering my relationship with God. Through many evil thoughts and wicked desires, I slowly hardened my heart too. That is another reason why I didn't get baptised last year nor last May. Too manythings have happened that made me shut my eyes to God. Too many hurts and pain.
Even for this baptism, satan did not spare me. he attacked me with all sorts of evil thoughts. I almost did not want to go through this baptism. But Thank God for his divine will. Thank God for him showing his might in Minds Camp and Ignite camp. Thank God for his wonderful will. It is His will that I go for Ignite camp and experience the wonders of his hands once again. Thank God for being so true and real. Thank God for touching my heart and filling me with his holy spirit. Thank God for showering me with his marvellous love though I don't deserve it. Thank God for fighting the devil for me. Thank God for helping me make the choice that I WILL SERVE THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, WHO WAS AND IS AND IS YET TO COME. AMEN!! HALLELUJAH!
Though I know that things are only going to get more difficult with my walk with God, I know that i can do it as He would never leave me nor forsake me. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!!!!!
How much do you know the people you talk to? How much do you know your friends and loved ones? How much do you know the one you love?
Often we know when something is wrong, but know not why it is. We always keep silent for fear of hurting each other or causing each other awkwardness. I find that like every guy, i am super insensitive. often not making the effort to truly understand impt ppl ard me. I dun seem to know them well and as a result hurt them so again and again. i can't give them what they need nor what they want. And then i cause so much pain. so much misery and stress ensues all because i nvr shower the care and love they need.
Eh realise that my writing is getting worse and worse, probably due to a lack of practice.
Philophobia part 2 The lift door shuts and encapsules the couple within. Face to face, and yet no words were spoken. Gazing upon the both of them makes you wonder what has happened in happily ever after. This couple was once the most lovey-dovey people around. Their presense and actions would have filled the world with a warmth that incubates the people within giving them a sense of comfort. What has happened in their world indeed.
There were no quarrels, and there were no fights. Guy works from 9-5 and girl works from 9-5. He would wait for her earnestly at her workplace just to make sure that she is safe and also to enjoy her company. They would talk for no end as they are amongst the most affable people alive. What is really strange here is that the more they talk, the more they drift apart.
There was a period when the guy had to go abroad on assignment. They would call each other daily and fill each other with all sorts of sweet nothings. Their words, though simple, kept them close and causes a longing that can only be satiated by the presence of their better half. Truly absence makes the heart grow fonder. Spending hours on end talking about nothing at all, they grew so close together that they decided to make the most of their courtship. That is when they sealed each other's heart with a ring.
Years into the marriage, they talk to each other daily. The conversation got more and more serious, often concerning financial matters. They no longer talk about each other and their love divine. They speak of things they want to do and have. Their actions no longer match those of their words. They would say one thing and do another. Keeping the pain within, they close each other's heart. For the fear of hurting the one precious in them, they plunge the knife deeper, cutting them even more so. Silence followed and their loved ones eventually stopped guessing. Their intentions, though good, only serve to cause the other to be irate.
One day, they quarreled. It was the biggest fight ever. Both guy and girl burst open like a dam beyond its containment. Loud verbal abuse threatened the fabrics of their marriage which were already non-existent. All the hurts from the years were released, and then they both made up. They never felt more alive and more loved than that time in which they told each other th truth.
However, that feeling was only short-lived. After that day, they talk more and more. Conversations would be of each other and such, but it is strange that with each word spoken they grew more and more apart. They felt that they no longer knew each other. They did not assault each other with horrible words, but because of their care, they spoke with care. Each sentence explaining their behavior only serve to cause the big continental drift. Worlds apart and now even more so, they were talking to strangers in their houses.
The lift door shuts again, forcing the people within to be so close and yet so far. Strangers who have knew each other their entire lives, and yet know nothing of each other. They could predict each other's actions and when each other is down. Yet, they know not who each other is.
Yay the hols are here finally. Gonna be busy for some time though, haha.
Went back for reservice briefing today. Super awkward. Everybody wore smart-4 while i was all adorned in CV. stuck out like a sore thumb. Really miss my army life, i really enjoyed it. I know the army does not match my old romantic honour and valor image of it, but i really enjoyed it. Of cuz, it would have been better if no for some officers spoiling my nice little fantasy. Yeps, my unit was runned by specs and everything was done by specs, even planning and welfare for man. We became "Marias" babysitting overgrown toddlers with chocolate bars. (Eh I dun generalise and hate all this people. There are many out there who deserve our respect and are really gallant. Just that the outliers came to my unit in the 2nd half)
Okok! no more griping about horrible chocolate bars.
Yea! Really missed the guys that braved fire and water with me. I miss those days when we'd slave through the nite just to see our steeds roar like thunder. The days where we'd be soaking wet in the unearthly hours of the morning just to clean our mounts.
One thing i always wondered is why my fellow soldiers always seek my advice and opinion. Today, they asked me for my input again, so i question them. One said that i was always decisive. my TS grp in this sem also commented that wanted me to direct as i know what i want, or at least that's how i appear to them. Really?? i didn't know i tat zhai. mUAHAHHAA BHB MOMENT.
Yar but today super funny. I got lost umpteen times. First was when my fren asked me for directions whilst driving, i was his VC(!?!) I gave him the wrong directions and we had to detour. HAHA, he said he trusted me cuz i nvr holland b4 in army and was TOPO zhai, able to find myself and others and our way always. Muahahhaa, sorry faith misplaced. After that, was suppose to meet Geraldine(from my TS grp not RAG) as she invited me to a movie screening session at her church-mates place.(turned out he was my NS fren, Thank GOd he rembr me but not my horrible ways) Yea, i was about to alight, cuz i tot that was the stop, then after i was lost in thoughts again. I missed the actual stop by 10+ stops, Thank God Geraldine called to ask me where I was. Yea been super lost in thoughts lately. I told her i dun usually get lost wan, but hard to convince her since first time i meet her i lost liao.
As i was going home, i went to the wrong floor. I thought i was correct but again lost in thoughts. Until when i went to the stairs then felt that the appartments looked strange. Then i walked up and saw wrong floor. Ya triple whammy.
Oh added two Xmas songs juz for this Dec period. Will remove it after some time.
Ok! Here's the story promised. Eh, Just to let u all know. I dun condone pre-marital sex. I hate guys who do it, esp those who boast. Girls i can forgive, but not guys, i hate those scumbags a lot, and no matter what crap they give me, i can't find it in my heart to accept them. It's cuz of the way society is that's y i can't forgive them all the more. Also, for the girl, it's something she gives and loses, for the guy, nothing is lost. THis story is juz i wanted to write sumting in the philophobia theme and also trying new writing style. Hope you enjoy it. Eh though I hate guys who do this stuff, i hope i dun influence u to do the same, cuz i am judging them and that is wrong.
Philophobia Part1 “I love you a lot, and I would do so forever and would do anything for you.” Words, they mean everything to you and yet none to the person who said them. When this words were spoken, everything else did not matter and the world just stopped its revolution just for the receiving person. At least this was what Tan felt when it happened. She couldn't care about anything and gave everything to him.
“I'd be there for you. I'd look after you. I only want to be with you forever. I'd hold your hand and comfort you.” Vicious tongues spew their venom as accusing fingers wag nonstop, pointing at Tan as she walked by with a growing belly. She felt ashame of it all and even more so that she had been used as such. She thought he loved her and would be there for her, but in the end, he only wanted her body. Another trophy, another laurel, another notch on the belt. That's what she was to him, just a piece of meat for his hungry ego.
“You know I'd never leave you. You are the only girl that matters.” That blue vein stared right into her eyes, she contemplated breaking and letting her shame and misery flow away. She wanted then to just let it all was away into a pretty crimson. Her pain and her sorrows broken in that vein, no longer would they bother her as long as that vein is slit. A razor-blade she held in her hand as she contemplated the most romantic and beautiful end to her life and the new life she gained. She wanted to protect this life in her from a life of shame and suffering. With the end of it, never would it face abandonment, nor would it have been deluded to feel that love is so beautiful only to have this illusion vaporise.
“I'd take care of the baby and you. We'd be one big happy family. We'd be complete. Be strong!” So weak she felt, so weak that she couldn't even have the courage to stand up and put an end to her life. Months has passed since that day she looked at the blue string of fluids running down her hand. The life in her has taken form and is continuously growing. Though she felt too afraid to put an end to her life, she again felt a need to protect this life from the horrible world. The methods are various, ranging from using a scalpel to scrape her inwards and flushing it out later, to using a vacuum much like how you'd clean your carpet. All these information tempted her so, as she looked at the website for the termination of new life.
“If you love me, we'd do it. And just to prove to you how much I love you, I won't use any protection. I want to have a baby with you.” Again, Tan felt really despondent. She couldn't bear to end the life in her. She also couldn't have the strength to bring it into the world. She don't know what to do. Loathing the growing monstrosity that seems to sprout, she hated it and she hated herself. Tears of anger stream down her cheeks as she thought of all that had happened. Family and friends that would have supported her in this time of need have all been turned away as she couldn't face them. She is now living in a room she had rented with her savings from her holiday vocations. This money which was once for her future is now spent with hatred for a different future. As she was still of studying age, she did not have much. The squalid conditions did not do much to prevent that internal infliction of anger.
“I love you more than anything in the world.” Her time was due. As she did not terminate her life nor the life in her, the life grew and suddenly caused her much abdominal distress. She fainted from the pain and water flow right out of her clothes like a river that has broken a dam.
The next thing she knew, she was at the hospital with family alongside her bed. In her father's arms was a baby wrapped in towels. Her parents chided her for her silliness for running away. They did not even raise their voice nor say spiteful words. His father brought her the baby, and she looked into those shimmering stars and cried. This was the most beautiful miracle indeed.
Kuo Chuan Presbyterian Primary School(92-97)
Presbyterian High School (98-2001)
Pioneer Junior College (2002-2003)
2 yrs lost in time
Nus Fass(2006-
D.O.B 15031985
