Wednesday, January 3, 2007
New Year New Year. Still the same but everything's different
Has been quite a while since i last wrote. WARNING: THIS IS A LONG ONE.Well this one I got the idea while having my hair cut. I rembr the ad for Zhang yi mou's( Riding Alone for a Thousand Miles) on scv recently. Also rembr a book i read many moons ago (Losing Absalom) cant rembr author. Also heard many things from many frens abt problems with father and child. I too also have some problems with my old bean. He chided me on Xmas Eve and I cold shoulder him for that day. Juz A trivial matter. Big Misunderstanding.HAHA but everything can be resolved wan. After all, there is tis cheena proverb something about every father and son will have animosity but must learn to resolve their conflicts. Fathers love their children but its just that because of the traditional chinese upbringing, they are not good at expressing themself. I too am a result of this traditional upbringing wan that's y whose who serve with me NS noe how steady and cold and emotionless I can be. But Though not expressed, It doesn't mean they dun love us. Though Love not expressed is love not received, It doesn't mean there was no love. Okay A tribute to Dads. I know should have saved this for father's day but heck lar.
Tears of a Man
The tears of a man has the power to shake the world. With every teardrop he sheds, the worlds changes and cries along with him.
I stood by his coffin and gaze upon his lifeless statue of a body. The cold empty shell that remains when every other part of him has passed. How I regret never expressing my love for him while he was still alive. At least he is in a better place now and his soul is at rest in the bosom of the Lord. We loved this song both of us, both father and child. “Tears in Heaven”, by Eric Clapton. As I placed my mouth on the harmonica and blew it out, a single tear rolled inwards of my cheek along my nose and down my chin. Goodbye.
I have lived many years alone in my private studio apartment, living it large like any swinging bachelor. I have left my family behind and the last time I visited them was a good 5 years ago. Many things have happened that have made it impossible for us to live together under the same roof. Even an occasional visit demands too much from me. I can't even remember the last time I spoke to my dad.I do however do my part as a son and send money home every month. I mean at least I support my folks.
“Hello, ah boy ah. Hey it's ma. I know you are busy,”she sniffled. “But this is of grave importance. Your Dad is hopitalised and the doctors say that he only has 2 months tops. Please come he is still unconscious at SGH. Bye son. Love, Ma” These words were recorded in my answering machine and I heard it only after a hard long night out with friends. Still sloshed, I didn't make much of it til the morning. Even then, I hesitated.
I still remember all the pain this man had brought me. The times we argued, over things as trivial as watching TV. He was always unsatisfied with me and everything I do. All my life I had worked hard to prove myself to him. All my life he was never happy. He was always comparing me with everyone even my elder brother who died in NS. I was never good enough for him. I was always living in the silhouette of my brother. Maybe if I had died in his place, Dad would be much happier then.
I remember that day when I told him I was in love with a nice young lady. I brought her back for dinner only to have her chased away from home as my Dad was in one of his moods. He said she was a player and not serious about me. From then on, I moved away. It has been 7 years since that day and the pain lingers on. I have a good job and thus was able to survive on my own. Now he is sick and wants me to go visit. Ha, I'll go there alright. I'll go there and show him how much I have accomplished.
I went to the hospital a week after the message on my mailbox. After asking the nurse and locating his ward, I saw Ma alone. A frail old lady with tears streaming from her eyes. I know how devastated she was. After all, all this years has not been easy on her. She was the one always trying to keep the family together. The years have not been kind to her, but still she manages to maintain that gentleness that is about her. I still love you ma.
She is still far from a shadow of herself. Still the vivacious winsome charming lady she was, only stricken with sorrow. I reminiscent with her the days when our family was still bonded, the days before my Ah Kor died. Now don't get me wrong, though I always hated being compared with him, he has always been very dear to me. She told me that that man had a serious cardiac arrest and that his heart is failing fast. The doctor says that only a heart transplant would save his life, but its just that due to his blood type and the long donor list, they have to let him go and 2 months is all he has left. In my head I was gloating over his sickness. Happy that after all, I am successful and happy and he is reduced to a ghoul.
After comforting my Ma, she sent me in to see him. There he was, really reduced to a skeleton. His body had a thousand and one electrodes attached to his chest and his arms had tubes hanging from above attached. All I could hear in his ward were beeping sounds that resonated throughout the entire room. “Hey, look at me. See what I have become. I have risen above your expectations. I am better than you. Ha ha ha!” No reply came and all was still. Strangely that didn't quite give me the satisfaction I had hoped. I repeated what I had said. Ma didn't hear a word as she had went to get food. She would surely be devastated and I wouldn't want to hurt her. I just wanted to let this man experience the pain he put me through. Shortly after, I left him.
My mind is still filled with rage. So many years, so many incidences, this man finally got his just deserts. But, something is wrong, I just don't feel as happy. Maybe I just need a couple of drinks and smokes.
After 3 days, I went back to see my ma at the hospital. I couldn't care less for the old man inside. The days seem to be harsher and harsher on my ma and within a short 3 days span she has aged. Still she was able to smile when she sees me. I greeted her and we sat together for a while. As usual, we began talking about the past. She told me of how happy they were the day I was born. She said that that was one of the few times she saw my Dad tearing from his eye. Being a traditional Chinese Man, the one that has to be emotionless, his tears were more rare than shooting stars in Singapore. I hesitate to believe her. She assured me every word is true. Perhaps.
I went in again despite not wanting to. I saw him lying there so lifeless. His life sustained only by those machines. I wanted so much to hate this man but I just can't. How cruel it is to be unable to hate those you want to hate. The agony is just unbearable. Tears stream from my eyes. Why can't I hate you. Then I saw his eyes tearing as he held my newborn self. For a moment, I thought he was truly happy then, but no he has never been happy for me.
The next day, same thing. She told me of the many times i quarreled and fought with him, and how he always cries alone in the bathroom after which. I didn't know that. The icicle figure I had of him began to thaw, but I still refused to believe that. She continued about the times I performed with my harmonica. How he always teared whenever he heard me play “Tears in Heaven”. Enough. I ran away and went home then. How can it be that this same man this same stone figure can have emotions. I refused to believe it. I told my ma I had to go due to an urgent meeting at work.
I didn't visit until a week later. Seeing my ma waste away brings tears to my eyes. I always loved her, and if not for my father, I would never have left her. She was always the one who comforted me whenever father brought me down. This time, she told me of how devastated father was when Ah Kor died, he lost a great part of him. He loves the both of us. She told me that father has always loved me a lot. Father has placed a lot in me. His love for Kor,his dreams for Kor, his expectations for Kor, all these heplaced upon me. That was why he was so hard on me. She continued saying that all these years I was away, he never for a night stopped playing 'Tears in Heaven” on his harmonica. Even on the day of his heart attack, he still tried to play before the paramedics came,After all, it was the song we loved. It was this song he taught me that ignited my love for it.
I went in again to see him. His heart rate is getting worse and worse. Then suddenly, the beep was constant. The doctors and nurses rushed in. They gave him an injection and started shocking him. AH PA, I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am a wastrel. I am a horrible son. Don't die on me. Hear me say I love you. Don't leave me behind.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go. I couldn't just stay and watch my Ah Pa disappear. I told Ma that I am going home to get my harmonica. I want him to hear the song our family loved again. Ma was crying as she heard those words. The doctors were still trying to recover him when I left.
I have not played for so many years. I wonder if I still can. No, I must be able to play for him. This years I stop because of the pain, but now to end all pain, I have to once more play.
I ran across the road when suddenly I heard a constant beep and then no more pain.
Beep, beep, beep. It took a while to get used to the light and my eyes were still cloudy then. I saw her, my faithful darling of my heart. She is smiling, but tears flow from her bright jewels of her face.Though my vision is still weak, I could see that they were not tears of joy, she was in pain. I asked her and got the most heartbreaking response. Those words pried my heart out and tossed it to the dogs.
“Ah boy is dead.(sob) He wanted to play for(sniffle) you. When the doctors(choke) were trying to recover you.(gasp) He rushed to get his (sob)harmonica. A truck hit him(sob). It was instant. They took his heart for you.” No tears came from my eyes. No words I could say in response. I just felt nothing no more.
I went to his wake. A flower I placed upon his chest. As I looked in the coffin, I saw my son. My son died so I may live. All the times we fought, all the times we quarreled. I love him and I knowhe loves me. Son, I love you and always had and will. This second lost hurts more not because the white headed ones have sent the black headed ones again and he was my only son left. I just loved him more. How I wished I had expressed it better the years he was still alive. Words cannot express anything. I took out my harmonica and again I played the song we both love, and she sang along.
Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven
Ok end of story. Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing. Children love your fathers. Often Misunderstood,but still they Love you SO
