Monday, November 19, 2007
Who am I?
This is perhaps the weirdest question to ask now, especially since it's like 1 week to the examination. But strangely it is the question i really need to know and must. No no, this ain't no emo post, it's not any weird thing that happened to me, just that lotsa things have been happening and God is very faithful.
I'm a proud person, super high ego and self-esteem. Since the days of my sec school yrs, never once have i backed down from anything, i always seem to know what i want and how to get it. Always standing up for what i believe in, never bending my back for 5 dou of grain(haha chinese idiom). Anyways, this sounds super bhb i know, but that's juz me. Muahahaha.
Yups, that's me, always fighting, so much so that people who get to know me think of me as strong. Persevering. Wellz, here's the truth, you all overestimate me. I'm super duper weak. I succumb to temptation and anger, fear and hatred, and jealousy. Lust and such, I give up easily. I'm not a fighter, i don't fight for what i believe in. I'm a miserable person, always wanting to hurt people around who don't seem to deserve what they have or get.
Yeps, i'm quite a wretched person. Sorry to burst the bubble. But that's not all, i think badly of people, despise them, think of ways to hurt them. I think of ways to get what i want, and never let anything stop me at it. BUT WHAT DO I REALLY WANT??ALso, I'm a hypocrite, i say one thing and yet it burns deep in my heart, I do things and yet am afraid that no one would know. I compare myself with others, i set standards which are not GOds.
Yar, I'm quite a character. But this is where it is really wonderful. Like I said, this is not an emo post. Oh another thing really really terrible about me, I always question God about my life and such. Why things dun work out? Why am I in pain, Is it worth it? Where are You? Show me a sign, and another, and another.
Isn't it horrible? Haha, but here's the good part. No matter how pathetic I am, God is always there for me. Jehovah Jireh, My Provider His grace is sufficient for me. "'My Grace is Sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me." 2Cor 12:9
Time to say How wonderful it is. Whenever I am down, i question God. Whenever I succeed, I take all the credit. Amazing thing is, I question, he shows me a sign, he send me people to encourage me, he let me experience peace that is from within. When I worry, He reassures me. When I cry out in agony, he comforts me. Sounds super cliche right, but His timing has always been perfect. When everything tells me to give up, when i turn to leave,(ppl who really know me would know that when i turn to leave, i never look back) he sends angels to call me back.
He's been so wonderful to me. What more can I ask?
I just got back a test script today, by His grace, I did a lot better than what i expected( cuz was really busy before, with TS rehearsal, MINDS camp, Con Amore, Driving Mum the nite b4 sleeping at 230) Yeps, didn't have time to study also. Truly when we least expect it, He is there with a wonder.
Wellz, i know i am not a good person. i know i let many ppl down. i know i do a lousy job comforting ppl, or encouraging them. But when I let Him work in me, all the right actions and words come out. So, back to the question, Who Am I?? I am a Child of God, and my God would do everything for me.
ahBoey blogged
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11/19/2007 11:11:00 PM
