Thursday, December 6, 2007
Philophobia Part 1
Yay the hols are here finally. Gonna be busy for some time though, haha.
Went back for reservice briefing today. Super awkward. Everybody wore smart-4 while i was all adorned in CV. stuck out like a sore thumb. Really miss my army life, i really enjoyed it. I know the army does not match my old romantic honour and valor image of it, but i really enjoyed it. Of cuz, it would have been better if no for some officers spoiling my nice little fantasy. Yeps, my unit was runned by specs and everything was done by specs, even planning and welfare for man. We became "Marias" babysitting overgrown toddlers with chocolate bars. (Eh I dun generalise and hate all this people. There are many out there who deserve our respect and are really gallant. Just that the outliers came to my unit in the 2nd half)
Okok! no more griping about horrible chocolate bars.
Yea! Really missed the guys that braved fire and water with me. I miss those days when we'd slave through the nite just to see our steeds roar like thunder. The days where we'd be soaking wet in the unearthly hours of the morning just to clean our mounts.
One thing i always wondered is why my fellow soldiers always seek my advice and opinion. Today, they asked me for my input again, so i question them. One said that i was always decisive. my TS grp in this sem also commented that wanted me to direct as i know what i want, or at least that's how i appear to them. Really?? i didn't know i tat zhai. mUAHAHHAA BHB MOMENT.
Yar but today super funny. I got lost umpteen times. First was when my fren asked me for directions whilst driving, i was his VC(!?!) I gave him the wrong directions and we had to detour. HAHA, he said he trusted me cuz i nvr holland b4 in army and was TOPO zhai, able to find myself and others and our way always. Muahahhaa, sorry faith misplaced.
After that, was suppose to meet Geraldine(from my TS grp not RAG) as she invited me to a movie screening session at her church-mates place.(turned out he was my NS fren, Thank GOd he rembr me but not my horrible ways) Yea, i was about to alight, cuz i tot that was the stop, then after i was lost in thoughts again. I missed the actual stop by 10+ stops, Thank God Geraldine called to ask me where I was.
Yea been super lost in thoughts lately. I told her i dun usually get lost wan, but hard to convince her since first time i meet her i lost liao.
As i was going home, i went to the wrong floor. I thought i was correct but again lost in thoughts. Until when i went to the stairs then felt that the appartments looked strange. Then i walked up and saw wrong floor.
Ya triple whammy.
Oh added two Xmas songs juz for this Dec period. Will remove it after some time.
Ok! Here's the story promised. Eh, Just to let u all know. I dun condone pre-marital sex. I hate guys who do it, esp those who boast. Girls i can forgive, but not guys, i hate those scumbags a lot, and no matter what crap they give me, i can't find it in my heart to accept them. It's cuz of the way society is that's y i can't forgive them all the more. Also, for the girl, it's something she gives and loses, for the guy, nothing is lost.
THis story is juz i wanted to write sumting in the philophobia theme and also trying new writing style. Hope you enjoy it. Eh though I hate guys who do this stuff, i hope i dun influence u to do the same, cuz i am judging them and that is wrong.
Philophobia Part1
“I love you a lot, and I would do so forever and would do anything for you.”
Words, they mean everything to you and yet none to the person who said them. When this words were spoken, everything else did not matter and the world just stopped its revolution just for the receiving person. At least this was what Tan felt when it happened. She couldn't care about anything and gave everything to him.
“I'd be there for you. I'd look after you. I only want to be with you forever. I'd hold your hand and comfort you.”
Vicious tongues spew their venom as accusing fingers wag nonstop, pointing at Tan as she walked by with a growing belly. She felt ashame of it all and even more so that she had been used as such. She thought he loved her and would be there for her, but in the end, he only wanted her body. Another trophy, another laurel, another notch on the belt. That's what she was to him, just a piece of meat for his hungry ego.
“You know I'd never leave you. You are the only girl that matters.”
That blue vein stared right into her eyes, she contemplated breaking and letting her shame and misery flow away. She wanted then to just let it all was away into a pretty crimson. Her pain and her sorrows broken in that vein, no longer would they bother her as long as that vein is slit. A razor-blade she held in her hand as she contemplated the most romantic and beautiful end to her life and the new life she gained. She wanted to protect this life in her from a life of shame and suffering. With the end of it, never would it face abandonment, nor would it have been deluded to feel that love is so beautiful only to have this illusion vaporise.
“I'd take care of the baby and you. We'd be one big happy family. We'd be complete. Be strong!”
So weak she felt, so weak that she couldn't even have the courage to stand up and put an end to her life. Months has passed since that day she looked at the blue string of fluids running down her hand. The life in her has taken form and is continuously growing. Though she felt too afraid to put an end to her life, she again felt a need to protect this life from the horrible world. The methods are various, ranging from using a scalpel to scrape her inwards and flushing it out later, to using a vacuum much like how you'd clean your carpet. All these information tempted her so, as she looked at the website for the termination of new life.
“If you love me, we'd do it. And just to prove to you how much I love you, I won't use any protection. I want to have a baby with you.”
Again, Tan felt really despondent. She couldn't bear to end the life in her. She also couldn't have the strength to bring it into the world. She don't know what to do. Loathing the growing monstrosity that seems to sprout, she hated it and she hated herself. Tears of anger stream down her cheeks as she thought of all that had happened. Family and friends that would have supported her in this time of need have all been turned away as she couldn't face them. She is now living in a room she had rented with her savings from her holiday vocations. This money which was once for her future is now spent with hatred for a different future. As she was still of studying age, she did not have much. The squalid conditions did not do much to prevent that internal infliction of anger.
“I love you more than anything in the world.”
Her time was due. As she did not terminate her life nor the life in her, the life grew and suddenly caused her much abdominal distress. She fainted from the pain and water flow right out of her clothes like a river that has broken a dam.
The next thing she knew, she was at the hospital with family alongside her bed. In her father's arms was a baby wrapped in towels. Her parents chided her for her silliness for running away. They did not even raise their voice nor say spiteful words. His father brought her the baby, and she looked into those shimmering stars and cried. This was the most beautiful miracle indeed.
ahBoey blogged
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12/06/2007 09:43:00 PM
